Need some help...

[Generic Skinhead]

Hey guys if you've got a few minutes, I'm looking for some help on a script. I would normally never post a first draft, but I'm in a bit of hurry with this cos it's gotta be ready by early next week. Constructive criticism of format, style or narritive is welcome.

Right now It's called:
101 Banjo Love Songs.

INT. TRENDY CAFE-NIGHT

Chalkboard reads: Open mic night. SISSYNECK, 18, fresh-faced and hippy-like sits at a table with FOLK MAIDEN, 19, smoker, dyed black hair, in a polo-neck, with unusual bracelets and bangles. The cafe is small, dark, and full of very young people who consider themselves artists. At the back is a makeshift stage with a black curtain behind it. A stool and microphone are bathed in the glow of the spotlight. HAIR-DAY, whose face is almost completley obscured by a ridiculous beard and shoulder length hair walks awkwardly up to the stage, clutching a tattered scrap of paper.

HAIR-DAY
Testing...um, 1,2,1,2. Ok, so, this is a piece I wrote about the transience of memory.
(Clears throat)
"Flea bitten rugs and 45. slugs eating at your motives, hang out with the fire hydrants 'cos everything's explosive...

SISSYNECK (VO)
I only came to poetry readings to make myself feel better. Some targets are too easy like our good buddy Hair-Day there. The guy's only real activity in life is taking himself seriously and who are we to take that away from him. We, incidentally, are me, Sissyneck and her, Folk Maiden.

Folk Maiden takes a long drag from her European cigarette. She looks like she is experiencing a level of boredom beyond the expression range of ordinary people. She takes out a little bag full of stones and starts polishing them.

SISSYNECK (VO)
We're good friends. Actually for the past year I've been in love with her, but she hasn't figured it out yet.

CUT TO:

INT. DISCO-NIGHT

Folk Maiden is sitting watching people trying to dance. She sips at a complicated looking drink as she cultivates her boredom. Sissyneck sidesteps into shot and sits beside her.

SISSYNECK
So, um, you wanna dance?

Folk Maiden performs an elaborate sigh and shrug, and takes another sip from her drink.

EXT. PARK-DAY

Sissyneck and Folk Maiden sit on a bench. Folk Maiden is throwing stones at passing joggers.

SISSYNECK
So are you actually seeing someone, or...

Folk Maiden throws and knocks out a jogger in a red tracksuit. She turns her head to face, Sissyneck.

FOLK MAIDEN
Yes. I'm actually seeing you. You're actually here, right in front of me. Unlike say, John Lennon, or Genghis Kahn.

Folk Maiden throws another stone.

INT. CINEMA-NIGHT

The cinema is virtually empty. Sissyneck and Folk Maiden sit five rows from the back. Both stare up at the screen until suddenly Sissyneck spins to face her.

SISSYNECK
I love you Folk Maiden

(BEAT)

Folk Maiden does not take her eyes from the screen.

FOLK MAIDEN
I love you too man.

She hits Sissyneck on the shoulder and continues watching the movie.

INT. TRENDY CAFE-NIGHT

SISSYNECK
See what I mean? Well tonight , I'm pulling out all the stops.

Hair-Day is still reciting.

HAIR-DAY
I left town with my soul duct-taped to the top of my Yaris, driving into the everlasting sunset south of Paris...

Folk Maiden stubs out her cigarette.

FOLK MAIDEN
I'm leaving.

SISSYNECK
Hey...don't go yet, it might get better!

FOLK MAIDEN
(Sighs)
Fine.

Hair-Day gets off the stage to muted applause. GENERIC SKINHEAD is next. As he tries to sit on the stool, he succeeds only in knocking it over with his beat up guitar. He tries to regain his composure amid mocking laughter from the audience.

FOLK MAIDEN
(Laced with sarcasm)
Finally something entertaining.

GENERIC SKINHEAD
This is called, uh, Fridge Magnet...

Folk Maiden glares at Sissyneck.

GENERIC SKINHEAD
Fridge magnets are really cool,
look real nice and useful too,
they're totally off the cuff,
for hanging up...uh, stuff,
but they won't pay your bills,
Or teach you decent social skills...

The front two rows of the cafe get up and leave.

Generic Skinhead tries to salvage things by playing everyone's favourite song, American Pie, but Folk Maiden knocks him out with stone to thunderous applause from the audience.

FOLK MAIDEN
(Grabbing Sissyneck's arm)
C'mon, we're leaving.

SISSYNECK (VO)
We can't leave though.

INT. SISSYNECK'S BEDROOM-NIGHT

The room walks a fine between cosy and very, very small. A few old posters grace the lime green walls. Sissyneck is sitting on his bed, holding his brand new, gold plated Gibson guitar.

SISSYNECK (VO)
So I've decided if I'm going to win Folk Maiden's heart I'm going to have to be obvious. Bid farewell to subtly. From now on I'm making my points with a sledge hammer. I'm writing her a song.

Sissyneck strums his guitar. The sound is terrible.

SISSYNECK (VO)
It's just a shame I can't play the guitar. Still, all is not lost.

SISSYNECK produces a pamphlet entitled "Classical Guitar in Five Easy Minutes."

SISSYNECK (VO)
A guy on the internet sent me this. The edges are a little frayed from when my sister tried to microwave it.

He tries to perform the finger positions for a simple chord. He strums once and drops the plectrum into the soundhole.

SISSYNECK
It's a good thing I'm already a dab hand at the banjo then.

Sissyneck takes out a banjo from under his bed and plays a jaunty tune.

SISSYNECK
Now all I need are some lyrics.

INT. LIVING ROOM-DAY

Sissyneck sits in front of his computer screen, which is blank apart from a title "Ode to The Folk Maiden" which is written in suitably gothic font. Sissyneck blinks. So does the cursor.

SISSYNECK (VO)
I know what I need.

He gets up and goes to the kitchen. He returns momentarily with a cup of tea which he places beside his computer. He takes a sip and places his fingers on the keyboard. Time passes.

SISSYNECK (VO)
The cursor mocks me.
(Takes a sip of tea)
It's going to have to be a cover version.

Int. Hallway-Day

The hallway is long and decorated with arty tiles and some interesting ethnic rugs. Sissyneck sits on a stool and dials. We see him talking on the phone.

FADE OUT:

2-8 DAYS LATER

FADE IN:

A brown envelope is pushed through Sissyneck's door. Sissyneck races down the stairs in dressing gown and novelty slippers, nearly tripping as he does so. He rips open the packaging to reveal-

101 Banjo Love Songs

SISSYNECK (VO)
Now I'm ready

INT. TRENDY CAFE-NIGHT

Folk Maiden has sat back down, and is polishing her stones. Sissyneck sits opposite, mentally preparing himself.

SISSYNECK (VO)
I'm up.

He reaches the stage and sits on the stool.

SISSYNECK
Hi folks. How ya doin' tonight?

No one is paying much attention, least of all Folk Maiden who is still polishing her stones.

SISSYNECK (VO)
I hasten to add that this is my first live performance. Lets hope four years of childhood banjo practice in the Catskills can pull me through.

Sissyneck tries to tune up. From his POV we see an audience member with a bow and arrow aimed right at him. Sissyneck closes his eyes. He starts playing, unsteady at first. He gets through the first verse. A girl in the audience starts clapping. Sissyneck's confidence grows. His voice becomes stronger.

Another chorus later and the whole cafe begins to join in. Sissyneck is enjoying himself now. He opens his eyes and realises he has a captive audience. He stands up, confident to throw in a little improv. This is the best feeling he's ever had he looks over to Folk Maiden and-she's not there.

(BEAT)

Sissyneck frantically looks around the cafe, but it's no good. She's left.

He stops playing, realising that all his work, all his performance has been for nothing. He slumps to the ground in disbelief. The crowd stop clapping.

(BEAT)

A stone hits Sissyneck on the back of the head. He turns his head slowly and sees-

Folk Maiden emerging from behind the stage curtain playing her guitar, continuing Sissyneck's song, the crowd cheering again. Sissyneck gets up and joins in.

FOLK MAIDEN
(While playing)
You're an odd boy Sissyneck.

SISSYNECK
Well you're an amazing girl Folk Maiden.

FOLK MAIDEN
You're an odd and perceptive boy Sissyneck.

She kisses him on the cheek and they both launch into solos.

FADE OUT

15 MINUTES LATER

FADE IN

Sissyneck and Folk Maiden finish the song. The cafe is empty. The spotlight switches off.

FOLK MAIDEN
I think you better walk me home.

FADE OUT

[Alex]

I thought Sissyneck was female for the first 1/2 of the script. I kind of felt left out but I kind of liked it that way.

Just fix the very end where it's fifteen minutes later and the place is empty. If the crowd was into their music, why is the place empty 15 minutes later?

Where did the other guitar come from?

[emjen]

I liked it, it made me laugh a couple of times.

But what exactly are those 'stones' she's polishing the whole time? Are they simply stones?

" but Folk Maiden knocks him out with stone to thunderous applause from the audience."

I didn't get the above.

And the ending felt a bit lame to be honest. You've got a really entertaining screenplay, makes you want to read the ending. Although it is rewarding, it felt a bit too 'easy'. We didn't get to see Folk Maiden love back! Even though it's a short... uh... yeah.

As for the format, some will probably say it's too wordy, although I didn't really mind. But you can look for yourself in rewrites to cut some things here and there. The first paragraph of you describing the cafe for example, could probably be cut down in a sentence or two, like you did with the disco.

[deanl]

Hey there.

I read it. I liked it. It had some quirky moments. I liked the structure. There are a fair few locations there though. You aint making it easy for yourself. Shooting the musical number should be good fun though.

I too didnt "get" the "stones" part... She just throws stones at people. I dont see how that will work/come across. But you sound like you have it figured out.

I'm assuming you're making this yourself. So I wouldnt worry about all their being too much description. It's good to get all those details out of your head and on paper.

Despin out.

[Generic Skinhead]

First off guys, thanks very much for taking the time out to read and comment.

I guess Sissyneck is a kind of a feminine name. The other guitar?

Emjen, yeah they're just regular stones. She throws one at Generic Skinhead so she won't have to listen to him sing American Pie.

Lame Ending? Well I kinda know what you mean, but they have to end up together don't they?

I was trying to go for a very affectionate guy and a rather cold girl as it's often done the other way around. Plus Sissyneck is very young and sorta wet round the ears.

Glad you found some of it amusing. It's supposed to be kinda feel-good.

[Alex]

Folk Maiden emerging from behind the stage curtain playing her guitar, continuing Sissyneck's song, the crowd cheering again. Sissyneck gets up and joins in.

------------------------

I never heard any mention that Folk Maiden had her own Guitar. I thought her deal was polishing stones.

[emjen]

You've got a tuff job with the ending.

The problem I had with it was Folk Maiden suddenly loves that dude and starts kissing. And because she's cold, that seems rather... well... not too right it seems.

Not only that, but we haven't seen any slight 'hints' or subtle sigs of her loving him back. Maybe that's a GOOD thing, but again, the ending comes off as 'not too right'.

How about she throws a stone and knocks him out. Sissyneck doesn't know why and thinks 'OMG SHE HATZE MEE!!!!111" He wakes up on a bench or something, a bench in a park, and when he opens his eyes he sees Folk Maiden collecting new stones. (and thus explaining why the f*ck she's collecting and throwing them around anyways). And then, she takes a seat next to him. Very cold of course, because cold, that's what she is. Now, Sissyneck has this urging question in his head "why did you knock me out?". And then this is the place where the theme, the characters desire and the antagonists theme all come together! Folk Maiden explains that she, even though it was a great song, she thought every song about her should be casted down to hel and eaten by satan. And then they share some kind of moment and give each other a little kiss, and Sissyneck is actually happy.

Sorry for making stuff up like that. I don't want to make you do anything. I'll go shame myself in a corner now.

[Generic Skinhead]

Thanks for the suggestions.

The stones thing is Folk Maiden's way of dealing with people who are annoying her. You know like "Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me." Well Folk Maiden wants to hurt people so she throws stones instead of verbals.

Thats sorta where the idea came from. At the end when she throws one at Sissyneck it's more a case of "get up and finish the song you muppet."

The gesture of the song melts Folk Maiden a little. She's still kinda cold though because after all that he only gets a peck on the cheek, but it's a start eh?

As for locations, it is difficult, but I'm not thinking of making it right now. Perhaps over the summer.

Thanks again guys.